I was brought up with the interpretation that you needed someone, to be in love with someone to be truly happy in life. And as much as I disagree with it, my heart tells me otherwise.
I am in love, with not just one person but multiple people. The one who I feel the strongest for being the worst for me. The selfish one that as soon as they realise something has gone their way, take advantage of and abuse the people involved. The next one, a 19 year old woman… one of my best friends who seems to share the complete and utter nonsense in my head and understand me. Completely. She has never judged me, nor will she ever. I love her because she is a part of me and she will always be a part of me. And I know this because our friendship is so unique, it is so pure and honest that I believe nothing could break that. I am attracted to her and I love her, because she is a part of me.
The last, one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. He is kind, honest, caring, smart everything you could dream of in a man. Everything you want in the person you fall in love with. And he is one of the greatest friends I have ever had. He has always been there to talk to and even if we don’t see each other for a large amount of time we just seem to pick up where we left off. He always seems to be there at the worst of times and I feel comfortable talking to him about any situation. He makes me feel beautiful and accepts me the way I am. He is one of the only people I feel beautiful around. He IS beautiful; he is such a genuine person. He believes in me when no one else does.
He is the perfect, the most perfect person for me. And when I’m with him I am so god damn happy. When I hug him I feel so much emotion and if we kissed, I’m sure it would be even more. But, as much as I love this, I am afraid. I am afraid that it could destroy the friendship we have, that wonderful beautiful honest friendship we have because in my eyes, I would rather have him as my friend every day than to lose him and have nothing at all. My love for him is strong, but in the same way I feel about the selfish man. My love is protection, I want to keep him safe, I want to keep him happy. And I want to be there for him throughout life. Maybe one day, just one day. My love for this boy will develop into something more. But for now, he is my family. And I will forever be there for him.
How dare you treat me like i meant nothing to you, how dare you forget every little fucking thing i did for you. Sitting by you while you were depressed out of your mind, wanting to not be here anymore and I sat there and dragged you out. I dragged you to the movies, I took you to get lunch, I made myself so fucking unhappy by helping you, never not once did I get a thankyou, A thanks for taking me. I fucking got the door slammed in my face, I had you scream in my face, tell me you no longer liked me and told me to give up. You called me pathetic, You called me worthless, a failure, look at you. You piece of dirt, You fucking piece of shit. I wasted almost a year, thinking that you were so much more than what was on the surface. Your still the same fucking guy who let go of those who treated you like royalty and decided that its all worth it for a person you dont actually know. what makes you think that she isnt talking to other guys the way she is talking to you, maybe she is nice yeah maybe she loves getting guys dicks wet as a fucking hobby, you know nothing about this person you filthy dog. I actually wish you the worst, you fucking cunt. you are nothing, you are not the fucking king of the world, you are not the most beautiful soul like i said. I was so fucking blinded by the fake you. I was completely fucking oblivious to the fact that YOU HAD NOT FUCKING CHANGED AT ALL. YOU HAVE BEEN THE FUCKING BACK UP BOY YOU HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING BEEN TO EVERYONE! I SHOULD HAVE NEVER FUCKING CONSIDERED YOU, you wonder why you fucking get hurt, look at how you treat people? you are so fucking selfish. You deserve the worst in fucking life. Yeah im glad your happy in life, i understand that your moving ahead and that your happy with where your life is going. I understand you are happy. but how is it fair that you do this to me? you dissapear for not even a week.. not even a fucking week after you tell me you love me and all the times we have together, you didnt appreciate what i did for you at all. even when you say now that you did, you dont. you worthless piece of shit. I never want to see you again, I hate you and you were the biggest mistake of my life. I am not making you out to be a horrible person YOU ARE THE FUCKING HORRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE I FUCKING STOOD BY YOU WHILE SOMEONE ELSE FUCKED YOU OVER, TREATED YOU LIKE YOU WERE SECOND BEST WHEN THE WHOLE TIME YOU DID THE EXACT SAME THING TO ME. THERE WAS ALWAYS FUCKING SOMETHING. ALWAYS SOMETHING. YOU CUNT.
I hope you think of me when your fucking her and go fucking limp when you say her name. You run from what you can’t control. You hate the people in your past for giving up and quitting. You are no better than them. You are the definition of a fucking egotistic quitter
Why do we take the time to learn every little thing they like, everything they enjoy doing and act as if it is part of our own daily routine? Why do we do this? Do we all share the same insecurity that if we don’t listen to the same music, read the same books or follow the same teams that we will not be accepted for who we truley are?
Why do we spend so long chasing and then as soon as they stop running we don’t want it anymore? Why AM I so addicted to the chase.
The thought of chasing after someone and then when we finally suceed and they want you too, your not interested. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with me?
Why do we waste months, even years of our time letting people stab us in the chest and throw our heart away like its a chew toy for the dogs? And why do we let the same person that threw our heart away hold it yet again like they did nothing wrong in the first place? Why do we instantly forget about how much it hurt and feel like this time is going to be different. It’s not, and you know it, yet your still sitting here reading this and wondering why you can’t give them up.
It’s because for some fucked up reason you love them. You love the way they twirl their hair when they read, the way they look at you and laugh when something funny comes on TV, the way they lay on your lap and fall asleep. And for a moment, just a moment nothing in this fucked up world matters anymore. The world doesn’t matter, because its just the two of you. Nobody, nothing can ruin this moment of absolute serenity.
Why am I still following him when I know that its not right, that our love is real but the time is not. That to much from the past is being brought into our future and it is slowly eating away on us both. Why are we so obsessed? Our constant need to be right all the time. Why can’t we stop doing this when we know its so wrong. Why do I feel sick in my stomach when I think about him, not butterflies, but literally nauseas. We are so addicted to eachother, so comfortable with eachother, so in love with eachother that we don’t know anything different. We don’t want to know anything different. And it won’t be until something truley damaging happens that we will finally be forced to move on.
